9/7/13 - "Fitzky Kabitzky the Stupid Dog"
Blogger's Note: I have a cohort.
Between posts, I mentally outline how I'm going to present certain topics or crank out another chapter in the "How We Met" story. I like to be original; I like to be creative. I emphasize the importance of structuring the links between features so that continuity and cohesion flow. I'm bothered to no end when I realize after posting something that I left out a particular point or a chronologically-critical happening that I'll have to somehow correct in the next post. Which is why I sometimes zone out at work or in my car, especially when I catch a whiff of prolific clarity from a bubbling stew of ideas. Then, the process moves into the "seasoning" stage.
The "seasoning" stage occurs once I've already settled on a particular course of delivery and need a dash or two of anecdotes or outrageous hyperbole or pedestrian dialogue. The difference between acceptable prose and good writing swings from the arms of the mundane, and striking this wily pendulum requires a finesse and articulate grasp of character which often leaps just out of my reach. And that's when I call on my cohort.
You may remember Matt from the "How We Met" story? That's him. Matthew Reynolds. He is a co-worker, a friend, and a neighbor. And today he will be getting married. But more on that in a minute...
Matt has this remarkable grasp of people and their mannerisms. He does some eerily accurate impressions and possesses a genuine understanding of which gear a particular storyboard is shifting from or to. He knows the value of comedic timing and the necessity of commonplace dialogue.
So, once I feel that I've comfortably outlined a post-worthy notion, I taste the brew at conceptualization before putting pen to paper. And if it tastes a little too drab, I'll add some "Matt" to it.
"Hey man, what's something that Enrique might say in Situation A? What's something that might have been tossed around in a conversation with a customer? What's a typical response from Character B in Situation C?" And so on and so forth...
Matt always delivers when I need fillers for the gaps. Sometimes, we'll literally be practicing dialogue when someone will walk into the station wondering 'what the hell are these two going on about?'
I told Matt a few weeks ago that I had an idea for a feature about our dog, Fitz. Or maybe about kids and pets. Or maybe about the pro's and con's of animals around babies. And then, he gave me the idea for this particular feature. And, in return, I promised to give him credit for the idea. Now, I can't say yet exactly what that idea is lest it ruin this week's post before you even read it. But, after discussing the subject with him, Matt gave me a winner of an approach.
Before I get to that however, I want to point out that in a couple of hours, I'll be getting ready to go to the much anticipated wedding of Matthew Reynolds and Taylor Ann Holley. I'm not usually a big fan of weddings, because I usually sit there thinking, 'this sucks. these assholes will be divorced by next year.' But, I can gladly and honestly say that I don't feel that way with these two. Matt is one of the most responsible people I know, and Taylor is one of the sweetest. She is a major advocate of pet adoption and a ferocious hater of animal cruelty. I can happily say that I wish them both the brightest of futures; tonight I'll merrily raise a beer in celebration of you both.
Oh my God!!!!!!!!! What's that!?!?!? Who's out there???
It's that guy that puts papers and things in the box that's attached to the house! I'm going to yell at him like I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and... what's that?
Oh my God!!!!!!!! IT'S A CAT!!!!!!
I'm going to yell even louder now!!! Whoops, my claw just ripped the back of the couch.. oh, well, the Human Man will pay to fix it. That's the good th... oh, shit.. I fell off the couch.
What's that smell??
It's coming from the food room. Oh.. OH... OH!!! It's coming from the box with the lid where they put the smelliest food. I got to get in there. It's a new box now!! It has a lid on it that doesn't come open easy... but if I grab the bag where it sticks out with my teeth.. and pull.. like this.. and yank.. it falls over!!! yes!!! now.. to just rip this thing that way and pull this thing that way.. and now I'm back in the couch room and one of the chairs in the food room fell over and finally....
I got inside the smelly food box!!!
WOOOHOOOO!!!!! There's old meat and moldy bread and cracker crumbs and candy wrappers!!! JACKPOT!!!!
Well, shit.. wasn't as much to eat there as I thought there'd be. And now this place is a mess! Human Man is going to be pissed! I hate when he gets like that! Like that time I ate the food he'd just brought in and he put me in the food box and closed the lid. Thankfully, Human Woman got me out of there! Whew!!
Guess I'll go back to the window and yell at things now. Hopefully, Human Woman gets home first. If Human Man sees this...
Hell, I don't know what's worse Human Man or that Human Boy. He pulls my tail and chases me and just when I get comfortable and he jumps and scares me and throws his toys and they'll hit me so I'll go in the other room but he'll follow me.... the only thing good about him is I can grab the food that's in his hand before he even gets a chance to take a bite! Sucker!! That's what you get!!
And then there's that Human Baby Girl thing. She screams a lot. A whole lot. In fact, she never quits screaming. Must be some complicated Human speech that's beyond me.
Human Woman's all right though. She'll pet me and feed me and take me for walks. But the best one... is Human Grandma!! She gives me Human food ALL THE TIME!!! Even when I'm full and can hardly walk, she'll give me MORE FOOD!!! It's like a party the whole time she's here!!!
Oh look!!! Somebody's pulling in the driveway!!!! Oh, how I hope it's Human Grandma.. I just can't wait until...
Oh shit.
It's Human Man.
Oh shit. And look at this place.
I know! I'll jump on him and claw him and yell and claw him some more and then he's sure not to be mad!
"Hi Human Man!!! It's me!!!!!! It's me!!!!! It's me!!!!!!"
Well , shit he still looks pretty angry. I know! I'll take his shoe and put it way, way under the bed in the bedroom.. then he's sure to think I'm the greatest!!!
Well, fuck. He still looks pissed. "Blah, Blah, Blah!!!" Human Man yelled something at me!!!
Think I'll just hide behind the couch.
*cough* *hack* he's dragging me by my neck-piece. He's gonna put me outside again. Dammit. I hate it out there. Oh well, maybe it'll give him time to cool off.
Damn.. it's hot out here. Think I'll take a shit. I can see Human Man looking at me from the window.
Maybe if I bug my eyes out and stare at Human Man while I'm taking a shit then he'll feel badly about throwing me out and let me back in...
I can't believe it!! It didn't work!!!
Oh well.. guess I'll lick my ass.
Oh, look Human Woman's home!!! Woohoo!!! She'll let me back in!!!!
Sure enough, thanks girlfriend!!! Much nicer inside!! I'll go and run and jump on the couch and off the couch and jump on your knee and claw your leg!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!
Human Baby Girl thing is screaming again. Think I'll go to the bedroom. Oh, look, there's a light on in the water chair room and the door's not completely closed. What's in there?
Oh, it's Human Man. He's sitting on the water chair and looking at one of those paper toys that have pictures in it. What's that smell? Mmmm... I'll just stare at Human Man... Oh, he sees me! Maybe if I just maintain eye contact, it'll make him happy. Maybe I should say something... something like...
"You gonna eat that?"
Blogger's Note: I have a cohort.
Between posts, I mentally outline how I'm going to present certain topics or crank out another chapter in the "How We Met" story. I like to be original; I like to be creative. I emphasize the importance of structuring the links between features so that continuity and cohesion flow. I'm bothered to no end when I realize after posting something that I left out a particular point or a chronologically-critical happening that I'll have to somehow correct in the next post. Which is why I sometimes zone out at work or in my car, especially when I catch a whiff of prolific clarity from a bubbling stew of ideas. Then, the process moves into the "seasoning" stage.
The "seasoning" stage occurs once I've already settled on a particular course of delivery and need a dash or two of anecdotes or outrageous hyperbole or pedestrian dialogue. The difference between acceptable prose and good writing swings from the arms of the mundane, and striking this wily pendulum requires a finesse and articulate grasp of character which often leaps just out of my reach. And that's when I call on my cohort.
You may remember Matt from the "How We Met" story? That's him. Matthew Reynolds. He is a co-worker, a friend, and a neighbor. And today he will be getting married. But more on that in a minute...
Matt has this remarkable grasp of people and their mannerisms. He does some eerily accurate impressions and possesses a genuine understanding of which gear a particular storyboard is shifting from or to. He knows the value of comedic timing and the necessity of commonplace dialogue.
So, once I feel that I've comfortably outlined a post-worthy notion, I taste the brew at conceptualization before putting pen to paper. And if it tastes a little too drab, I'll add some "Matt" to it.
"Hey man, what's something that Enrique might say in Situation A? What's something that might have been tossed around in a conversation with a customer? What's a typical response from Character B in Situation C?" And so on and so forth...
Matt always delivers when I need fillers for the gaps. Sometimes, we'll literally be practicing dialogue when someone will walk into the station wondering 'what the hell are these two going on about?'
I told Matt a few weeks ago that I had an idea for a feature about our dog, Fitz. Or maybe about kids and pets. Or maybe about the pro's and con's of animals around babies. And then, he gave me the idea for this particular feature. And, in return, I promised to give him credit for the idea. Now, I can't say yet exactly what that idea is lest it ruin this week's post before you even read it. But, after discussing the subject with him, Matt gave me a winner of an approach.
Before I get to that however, I want to point out that in a couple of hours, I'll be getting ready to go to the much anticipated wedding of Matthew Reynolds and Taylor Ann Holley. I'm not usually a big fan of weddings, because I usually sit there thinking, 'this sucks. these assholes will be divorced by next year.' But, I can gladly and honestly say that I don't feel that way with these two. Matt is one of the most responsible people I know, and Taylor is one of the sweetest. She is a major advocate of pet adoption and a ferocious hater of animal cruelty. I can happily say that I wish them both the brightest of futures; tonight I'll merrily raise a beer in celebration of you both.
Oh my God!!!!!!!!! What's that!?!?!? Who's out there???
It's that guy that puts papers and things in the box that's attached to the house! I'm going to yell at him like I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and... what's that?
Oh my God!!!!!!!! IT'S A CAT!!!!!!
I'm going to yell even louder now!!! Whoops, my claw just ripped the back of the couch.. oh, well, the Human Man will pay to fix it. That's the good th... oh, shit.. I fell off the couch.
What's that smell??
It's coming from the food room. Oh.. OH... OH!!! It's coming from the box with the lid where they put the smelliest food. I got to get in there. It's a new box now!! It has a lid on it that doesn't come open easy... but if I grab the bag where it sticks out with my teeth.. and pull.. like this.. and yank.. it falls over!!! yes!!! now.. to just rip this thing that way and pull this thing that way.. and now I'm back in the couch room and one of the chairs in the food room fell over and finally....
I got inside the smelly food box!!!
WOOOHOOOO!!!!! There's old meat and moldy bread and cracker crumbs and candy wrappers!!! JACKPOT!!!!
Well, shit.. wasn't as much to eat there as I thought there'd be. And now this place is a mess! Human Man is going to be pissed! I hate when he gets like that! Like that time I ate the food he'd just brought in and he put me in the food box and closed the lid. Thankfully, Human Woman got me out of there! Whew!!
Guess I'll go back to the window and yell at things now. Hopefully, Human Woman gets home first. If Human Man sees this...
Hell, I don't know what's worse Human Man or that Human Boy. He pulls my tail and chases me and just when I get comfortable and he jumps and scares me and throws his toys and they'll hit me so I'll go in the other room but he'll follow me.... the only thing good about him is I can grab the food that's in his hand before he even gets a chance to take a bite! Sucker!! That's what you get!!
And then there's that Human Baby Girl thing. She screams a lot. A whole lot. In fact, she never quits screaming. Must be some complicated Human speech that's beyond me.
Human Woman's all right though. She'll pet me and feed me and take me for walks. But the best one... is Human Grandma!! She gives me Human food ALL THE TIME!!! Even when I'm full and can hardly walk, she'll give me MORE FOOD!!! It's like a party the whole time she's here!!!
Oh look!!! Somebody's pulling in the driveway!!!! Oh, how I hope it's Human Grandma.. I just can't wait until...
Oh shit.
It's Human Man.
Oh shit. And look at this place.
I know! I'll jump on him and claw him and yell and claw him some more and then he's sure not to be mad!
"Hi Human Man!!! It's me!!!!!! It's me!!!!! It's me!!!!!!"
Well , shit he still looks pretty angry. I know! I'll take his shoe and put it way, way under the bed in the bedroom.. then he's sure to think I'm the greatest!!!
Well, fuck. He still looks pissed. "Blah, Blah, Blah!!!" Human Man yelled something at me!!!
Think I'll just hide behind the couch.
*cough* *hack* he's dragging me by my neck-piece. He's gonna put me outside again. Dammit. I hate it out there. Oh well, maybe it'll give him time to cool off.
Damn.. it's hot out here. Think I'll take a shit. I can see Human Man looking at me from the window.
Maybe if I bug my eyes out and stare at Human Man while I'm taking a shit then he'll feel badly about throwing me out and let me back in...
I can't believe it!! It didn't work!!!
Oh well.. guess I'll lick my ass.
Oh, look Human Woman's home!!! Woohoo!!! She'll let me back in!!!!
Sure enough, thanks girlfriend!!! Much nicer inside!! I'll go and run and jump on the couch and off the couch and jump on your knee and claw your leg!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!
Human Baby Girl thing is screaming again. Think I'll go to the bedroom. Oh, look, there's a light on in the water chair room and the door's not completely closed. What's in there?
Oh, it's Human Man. He's sitting on the water chair and looking at one of those paper toys that have pictures in it. What's that smell? Mmmm... I'll just stare at Human Man... Oh, he sees me! Maybe if I just maintain eye contact, it'll make him happy. Maybe I should say something... something like...
"You gonna eat that?"
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